I don't know where to start, for I don't know where it began and I'm afraid to start over, for the unknown is by far more terrifying. I sit here desperately wanting and needing to write; to just let out everything. I know how good that feels... kinda like a good cry. I can't even get out the tears.

I'm going to write soon. I want some control of my life back.

xox

Sarah: leave me your e-mail so I can write right to it, I've got lots to tell you! Sorry I've been so puzzling.

What's wrong with me? No, rephrase that. What the hell is wrong with me? You see, here, NYC public schools start up on September 13. Late, yes. Why do I even have a fraction of an urge to return to that? I love my summertime but why am I actually, sectretly, eerily looking forward to it?

I changed through high school. Not an insane large amount, but there's change here. Now I'll be in my last year. How terrifying is that?

I almost like being noticed; standing out. I'm a big believer in blending. No, not being in the 'popular crowd' by any means whatsoever, but just not being so widely noticed as a polar bear at the beach. I'm happy just being a grain of sand and trust me, young'n, that's an easy thing to do when you're in a public school of about 4.000 students.

Year by year I didn't mind going that extra leap to stand out, though. No, not by rockin' the latest Chanel bag or whatever. But my binder was awesome. Infact, I will get a photograph of that baby to you ASAP. What's so damn special about it, you ask? It had everything on it from Wham! (great '80s pop group starring George Michael), to Inuyasha (Japanese anime), to South Park, to Strawberry Shortcake, to NY Mets logo's --- Ahhh, boy oh boy was it something. I loved people commenting. I wanted people to see it and go, "wow, that quiet girl watches South Park?". "Look at that weird girl who likes Wham!... err.. whoever they may be *embarassed blushing*". et cetera.

I want to be even more of that for this school year. I even have a new shirt. It says "shit" on the back. (among other words... It's part of a quote!). Yes. It does. I don't make this stuff up. Instead of being embarssed and covering it with my hair or a jacket. though, this time I'll be proud... and show it. It's a quote from a Kevin Smith movie. I'm a proud fan. So if I want to walk around with a shirt that says "shit" on it I will and I will let it be seen and I want people to recognize! (Please.. people wear way worse things to school. I'm not afraid of being picked up by a dean if that came across your cute little concerned head).

Oh, and binder '04-'05... will rock harder than ever.

More on that as it happens.

xox

Exerpts from a good song. Please enjoy the extremely well written lyrics and feel free to download. I recommend it. (I'm in the mood for a song today).

Jimmie's Chicken Shack - This Is Not Hell

If this is hell well that's fine with me
All the wonder presumable happily
Eager to follow the fool that's got into the head... of me
We don't have any doubt
We're out there making friends
Unconsciously rolling through
meanings from pollings
The answers are meaner sometimes
they're the meanings to our ends...

So this is hell
What else could it be?
Bask of glories of glorified stories
of a basket case who has just
broken himself from the weave
We are not making sense
Who really cares just how we feel
Infantile ramblings of pennies gamblings
A fist full of hands swinging clubs
At our new baby zeal
Yeah right

You think this is hell
Would you care to bet?
Capture the beauty of domestic duty
The hampers are full and our
laundry's perpetually wet
Think about traveling south
Find the right something
you may have left
Endless the road
Wish your past to explode
Actions remain base
But intentions are treble clef
Yeah right

This is not hell
This is purgatory
Caught here in limbo
I.Q. of a dim bulb
How many gods does it take to screw in the likes of me
You'd think one day I might learn
Stare in the light and you cannot see
I've opened my doors of perception
and can't get them shut
Now I feel f*cked for free

I left my brain inside of my other head..

xox

He took her face in his hands and looked right into her eyes. Leaning in inch by inch... it happened in an instant what was waited on forever. They kissed. Such a sweet embrace and he touched her hair, running his long fingers through it, her hands dreamily, lovingly around his shoulders. In the darkness of her closed eyes she saw fireworks. She saw heaven. She had once asked what joy was and this, this was joy. His hand caressed her leg, back up to run up her back. Their lips separated, heads backed up just enough to gaze in each others eyes once again. Her heart racing as he kissed her forehead then rested his head on her shoulders and she cuddled against him. Nothing smelled sweeter and nothing felt better.

Nothing felt better.

Joy is never wanting to go home and never wanting the moment to end.

But what now? The girl is lost.

It's so true what they say. Sometimes you have to just... enjoy the memory. Forget what happened, or what did not happen, afterwards. Never forget the memory for what it is; preserve it.

That's what joy is.